New Year’s Resolutions. Because everyone else is doing it.
- Stop doing what everyone else is doing. It doesn’t make you a better person, just less recognizable.
- Do not worry so much when cats disappear. They usually aren’t dead, just on vacation.
- Quit thinking Facebook posts are true representations of other people’s lives, including your own. They are lies. Funny lies we tell ourselves to make the slog that is real life a tiny bit more sparkly.
- Do not think of real life as a slog. It isn’t as hard and tedious as you make it out to be. No, really, quit it. Enjoy yourself. Relish complications. Hesitate less. Figure shit out.
- Eat more fish. It’s supposed to be healthy.
- Eat less sugar. I know, I know, sugar is the best. Sugar is amazing. Sugar makes you happy. But according to lots of headlines, it’s killing you and making your children stupid and antsy.
- Read the whole article, not just the headlines. Headlines lie. Headlines are like Facebook posts, except more words are capitalized and someone, somewhere, has the job of making sure headlines use SEO best practices.
- Accept that the Internet is not going away and that you are going to forever be writing according to SEO best practices. Including headlines.
- Look at your children when they talk to you. Someday, they won’t want to talk to you. Appreciate it now.
- Talk to your children about good stuff more than bad stuff. Save the bad stuff for your husband.
- Talk to your husband about the bad stuff, but not too much. Work some good stuff into the conversation, too.
- Do not get any more dogs. Maybe one. But no more than one.
- Don’t replace the cats when they disappear unless it’s really obvious they are gone forever and not just on vacation.
- Be funnier.
- Lose weight.
- Bwhahahahaha! Lose weight. That was funny, right?! Right?
- Think in evolutionary time more often, such as when deciding what to make for dinner or checking your bank balance. We are but wisps on the sands of the planet. This can be comforting.
- Use the crockpot more often.
- Do not try so hard to be full of wisdom. You can get wisdom off the Internet. Try harder to be full of grace. Not that kind that means no tripping, but the kind that means rising above strife and difficulty and friction to clear your own way toward your goal of being peaceful, productive, welcoming, and warm.
- Actually, wisdom is good too. Strive for wisdom. Or at least the ability to recognize wisdom. Or at least the ability to recognize a lack of wisdom. How about: just try not to fuck stuff up too badly.
Happy New Year!